Things I've learned before 30

Random things I've learned in my 30 odd years on this goddamn planet

This will most likely be the only post that isn’t totally about South Asian representation in entertainment.

I just turned 30. And I have learned quite a few things in my short time on this earth.

Here are a few of them below:

1. Taylor Swift doesn’t have to be for me. And that’s…dare I say it…okay?

Photo Credit: NPR

And THAT is okay. Brilliant songwriter? Absolutely.

Her vocals and musicianship? Not my style. So for all you Swifties out there…come for me. I am Reddy 4 it.

2. The added pressure being a perfect Indian child needs to stop.

As a first generation Indian-American, my parents only wanted the best for me. But I grew up in a household where I was told that being second was ROTTEN. “If you’re going to be second class, why even try?” is something my mother would say to me. Whatever I did, I had to be first. And when I was second (or even worse… a TIE…I shudder at this thought), I’d break down and just be sad.

She didn’t mean in it in a malicious way but it’s how she was raised. It added pressure on my life to be extra great, extra successful, and ultimately caused me to fail! What a treat, right?

For the Indian kids out there reading this — you understand so I don’t have to explain it.

But for those who are new — it’s a cultural thing tied to years and years of our parents working immensely hard to succeed, particularly when they immigrated to make a better life for themselves and kids. The intent it wonderful. The execution can often cause pain, trauma, and sadness. At least for me that is.

Indian parents out there. A word of advice: back the F*CK up. Let your children be and figure things out. Pressuring them is only going to make them resent you.

This pressure of being “perfect”, it’s just not real. A perfect SAT score doesn’t give you street smarts. A Harvard degree will get you a job but it may not bring you happiness or creativity.

I understand this comes from a place of pure love and joy (mostly) AND the need for outside validation to prove a point that you are indeed doing a good job as a parent. But when I tell you it’s the source of my impatience, constant comparison, and inability to not be the best, you don’t want this for your child. Trust me.

Let them be the best for them. Not for you.

3. If I had the choice of a dessert or the love of my life, I’d probably pick the dessert.

Specifically a peanut butter chocolate chip cookie from Levain Bakery….

4. Beyonce, Prince, Stevie Wonder, Viola Davis, Madhuri Dixit, and Whitney Houston are my idols.

5. You parents are still growing up. Give them some room to fail and breathe even when they are driving you crazy.

6. Set boundaries.

I don’t care if you feel like I’m nice. I am not interested in being everyone’s friend or having everyone like my work. I also don’t feel like doing everything…so I won’t. I am not going to be for everyone and that’s okay.

7. Turning off social media is the best thing I’ve ever done.

Social media is a pariah for me. That feeling when I receive a bunch of likes makes me feel great for about two seconds UNTIL I see someone with more likes, followers, a career I want, a partner I want, etc.

None of it is real and I often take social media breaks because I need to clear my head — and it’s been the greatest thing for me. I’d honestly delete it all if it weren’t for my career and the importance these metrics has on it. I once lost a gig because I didn’t have enough followers. Sigh. I implore people to get rid of it from time to time though.

While I understand it’s importance and ability to help and monetize one’s life…it’s not for me.

8. Comparison is the Devil’s food.

This one is tough for me. One, because I don’t love Devil’s Food Cake. And I love cake. Two, because comparison isn’t helpful. We are all on our own path. Stay on it. Don’t look at what other’s are doing unless it’s for inspiration.

9. Make failing fun.

10. That body dysmorphia is something I’ll struggle with forever and yet I have found some acceptance of it.

My therapist knows about this one…I’ll leave that there.

11. The quest for the best breakfast burrito is indeed difficult.

But I have found it and it’s in Brooklyn at a place called Dweebs.

12. Performing and creating art is truly what gives me the most joy and what I am meant to do.

I said what I said. I’ve known I’ve wanted to be a performer since I was six. I know it sounds gross and again, actor-like, but it’s true. Nothing gives me more joy than being in a rehearsal space and playing with different costumes, dialogues, and sets. It’s my SuperBowl.

13. Career aspirations shouldn’t be tied to your happiness and self worth.

14. Jealously doesn’t help to diminish others’ accomplishments…it makes you look like an asshole.

Being jealous is very natural. You want what you don’t have and you often become jealous of others’ things and successes. Stop it. It’s not helpful.

15. Bollywood movies are queer iconography.

Just look at these photos.

16. Googling actors who got their big breaks late…won’t make you feel better.

The amount of times I’ve googled this is wild…

17. Shahrukh Khan plays the violin so badly in Mohabbatein. 

As someone who played violin for three weeks when he was ten, it’s real bad.

18. Being Indian is complex, frustrating yet so colorful, loud, and incredible.

19. Having friends who will make fun of you builds character.

20. Being sensitive is okay…it’s wonderful even.

21. That I am indeed a Capricorn, Gemini, and Aries.

22. You should never Nair your body hair off.

I did this when I was 12. I got made fun of for being hairy for my age, so I got sensitive, and tried this. It was like a crime scene in my bathroom and I had to make sure my parents had no idea. They probably still did since I smelled like burnt hair for weeks.

23. I think about death a lot…and I’m not sure how to feel about it.

I am afraid of dying. And death is something I talk a lot about in my writing. I wonder if it’s because I want to build a legacy and create lasting entities? Maybe it’s because I am afraid I won’t accomplish everything I’d like to on Earth. Who knows…I am still figuring this one out.

24. I want to come back as a cheeky, little ghost.

If you know me, you know I love ghosts and the paranormal. So if and when I perish, I’d love to come back as a mischievous ghost. How fun?

25. That I need to harness my own brilliance more.

When imposter syndrome kicks in, it’s real bad. I need to remind myself (and others) that we are all brilliant in our own ways. Never forget that.

26. I don’t handle passive aggressive people well.

27. Cutting family out isn’t fun…but it’s okay.

This is a tough one to write. The traditional notion of family is tricky. Indian families are even trickier. Our culture and deep rooted generational trauma gets passed down. We have to break that cycle for our own children. But I’ve learned that it’s okay (yet difficult) to cut family out that causes you trauma or pain. I know, I know. It’s more complicated than this and easier said than done but it’s something to be noted.

28. That I don’t have to always educate white people on race.

As a POC, I always thought it was my responsibility to educated white people on how I navigate world. And sometimes, I don’t mind doing it. But other times, I’m like “nah, figure it out yourself.” And that is indeed okay.

29. Tonya Harding knew…

30. That I often feel underutilized…and that I am just getting started.

I don’t know why I feel this way (specifically to my career)…but for most of my life I have often felt unseen or underrepresented. So in my 30s, I plan to outdo and challenge myself in every aspect.

31. I am team NSYNC. 

32. That auditioning for American Idol is indeed a nightmare.

I did it when I was 16. I drove to Atlanta, woke up at 4 AM with thousands of other hopefuls, and after eight hours of waiting, was promptly sent home by the producers. What a treat.

33. Creating my own content is truly the most empowering thing I’ve ever done for myself.

Creating my own stories and collaborating with like minded humans has been the most empowering and rewarding thing I’ve ever done creatively. This industry is hard. It’s really tough to navigate, especially when opportunities aren’t readily available for all. We are set up to fail in this business. There are so many things out of our control.

Creating my own work allows me to take back that control and also forces me to try new things, allowing me to fail and learn over and over again. Creating my own content has other people to sit up and take notice of me as a performer and entrepreneur.

After INSOMNIA came out, I had a casting director say to me, “I had no idea you were capable of that.” I just responded, “You never asked.”

34. NYC is my home.

This place is hard to live. But it’s where I feel most grounded and at home.

35. I used to wear “mullet” shirts and thought it was fashionable.

I wish I had a proper photo for you all but let’s just say…I used to wear these shirts that were long in the back and short in the front. Don’t ask me why.

36. That having a group of close Indian friends is life changing for me.

Until college, I never really had a solid group of Indian friends. Growing up in a small town in Tennessee, there weren’t a ton of Indians around. So when I got to college, it was my mission to find a group of people who looked like me and understood a similar culture. Well, I found them during the first week of freshman year. I remember identifying with not only our culture, but parental woes, secret dating sprees that God forbid out parents found out about, sneaking to movies, and the all important debate between Taco Bell and Del Taco. Our culture united us but our friendships have lasted even when we aren’t in the same cities.

12 years later…here we are.

But having a strong group of Indian friends also extended into my time in NYC - particularly finding Indian artists in my field. It’s been a godsend to call so many of these humans friends because they get it. We were brought up in similar ways, speak similar languages, eat similar foods, watched the same Bollywood films as children, and ultimately just…get one another in a way that is unmatchable.

37. Sister Act 2 and Home Alone 2 are better movies than the originals. Fight me.

38. Laura Winslow and Steve Urkel were my first crushes

39. We let Tyra Banks get away with too many things on her show.

40. I don’t mind people disliking me. It means I’m doing something right.

41. Dil Toh Pagal Hai is still incredible and made me want to be an actor.

When I saw Koi Ladki Hai…that was it.

42. My ambition is next level…but it cant impede forward movement.

I am ambitious. For a long time, I thought it was a bad thing. Being TOO ambitious. I’m pretty vocal about that. But being ambitious can be detrimental. I stopped focusing on the work and continued to focus on the end goal. I wanted things I work on to do well and I missed out on the process of creating the work. The joy of it all. My work suffered and nothing good came of it. Balancing ambition and realism is a good thing. But I’ll never let go of my hopes. I just have to remind myself that the content and journey is the most important thing.

43. Being suspended in high school was the greatest thing I could’ve ever done.

When I was in the ninth grade, I got suspended. Gasp. I know. Indian kids don’t get suspended. But I got caught cheating on a Latin test and it was an entire ordeal.

I cheated because I was so concerned that if I got a B+ on my report card, my parents would be upset and that it would RUIN me.

Little did I know that cheating allowed my parents and I to have a conversation about boundaries and the importance of pushing your kids to be their best, but also allowing them to fail. It was quite a lesson to be learned for all parties involved.

44. AIM was a haven for my alter egos.

AOL Instant Messenger was where I was allowed to be whoever I wanted in whatever chat room I wanted. I had multiple screen names (SN’s as we called them) and would use them depending on my mood. Nothing sketchy happened from it, but I sorta used it as an acting exercise until my parents said I was spending too much time on it and banned me from it.

45. Being on an Indian dance team is one of the most intense experiences I’ll ever have.

46. Octopi are indeed fascinating to me

47. J Lo has indeed taken a “Benjamin Button”- esque potion. I want it.

48. I once sent a letter to the casting directors of Harry Potter thinking I could play Harry. I still think I can.

49. That’d I’d probably be the villain on Survivor.

Eek.

50. Dosa and idli are indeed the keys to me heart.

51. That I still want to take over the world.

51. Seeing your friends succeed is simultaneously so joyful and yet sometimes difficult to watch.

52. Sometimes I feel like an energy vampire.

Sometimes I feel like I ask a lot of my friends and family. I wear my emotions on my sleeve and while I am in therapy, sometimes I speak my mind and can spiral. Especially to my friends. It can be a lot. I am aware of that and am working to temper my neuroses. There’s a time and place to vent and dispel angst, but I am still figuring out how much to say. It can take up a lot of energy and time so to all my friends and family out there…thank you for putting up with me.

53. That I need to stop trying to date people who aren’t interested in me.

54. It takes so much more work to be an asshole to someone than just be nice.

55. I served Tiffany Trump at a bar once and unsurprisingly she was a nightmare.

54. That I prefer to host and not travel. If you know, you know.

55. I miss the drama of high school theater.

56. It’s so important to have mentors who are honest, yet provide support and push you.

57. Covid-19 and 2020 made me understand my depression.

2020 was bad for most people. Not all. But most. I left NYC and went home for a few months to escape the city. And during this time, I really allowed myself to sit with my thoughts and assess my mental state. I finally acknowledged that I had severe depression and took steps to control that. My parents also were forced to have conversations with me about my mental health and why I got to the place I was in — these were helpful and fruitful conversations for all involved. I started seeing a therapist and taking an anti-depressant. It has honestly changed my life.

58. We need to protect this National Treasure at all costs.

59. I can hate football.

60. I can make a great Mezcal Negroni.

61. Finding a group of travel friends is a joy.

62. I have no idea what’s next…and I am scared.

And that’s okay.

63. As an actor, it’s still hard for me to watch things that I don’t book.

64. My Hindi needs to be improved.

I’m working on it, Mom.

65. Being forgotten is my greatest fear.

66. Don’t micromanage me.

67. Shrek was ahead of its time.

68. Drag Queens should be royalty.

    

69. Not knowing everything is good.

70. Music is everything to me. I love it as much as acting.

I started singing and playing piano as a kid. That led me into doing musical theater and dance classes. Music is a constant in my life and I don’t know what I’d do without it. I know…it’s sappy. But alas, if you’ve made it this far…bravo.

68. I don’t plan video games because I KNOW I’ll get addicted.

69. JumpStart 4th grade still gives me nightmares.

70. Wearing a speedo is terrifying.

71. People of color can’t be mediocre in ways white people are allowed to be, to be considered great.

POC’s have to work three times as hard to get half of what white people get. We don’t get to be mediocre. We have to be great to be taken seriously. That’s it.

72. Political change takes time but I am sick of waiting.

73. Money can’t buy you class.

74. Starting a book club was game changing.

75. Being vulnerable is a gift.

76. We’re not only working to make ourselves better, but we are making the world better for the next generation.

77. This was a long list. Thank you for listening.

78. And why yes…I do believe that I am *insert sarcastic remark*….AMAZING.